A child cannot feel his way to better behavior, but he can behave his way to better feelings. For children and adolescents, understanding their feelings better simply does not lead to a change in behavior. That’s not what I’ve learned from experience. They believe if your child knows why he did something, he’ll understand his feelings better-and if he understands his feelings, he won’t get aggressive. There are many professionals who think asking “why” is important. Give them some suggestions: “You can go to your room you can walk away you can come and tell me that you need some time alone.” If they’re old enough to process this, you can ask them, “What can you do differently next time to accomplish this without hitting your younger brother or getting into trouble?” Younger kids often can’t process this yet, so you walk through it with them. #Fightingkids homepage how to#If we’re not careful, by the time kids are five or six, we’ve taught them how to make excuses and justify inappropriate behavior. The question “why” doesn’t lead to a change in behavior, but the question “What were you trying to accomplish” does lead to that change, because when a person tells you what they were trying to accomplish, there’s a window there where you can tell them how they can do it differently next time. Why Tommy did what he did is not as important as what he was trying to accomplish.ĭon’t Ask Your Child “Why”-Ask “What Were You Trying to Accomplish?” So a better question is “What were you trying to accomplish when you hit your brother?” because it gets to the facts of the action. When a parent says to a child, “Why did you hit your little brother, Tommy?” not only are they asking Tommy to make an excuse, but if he doesn’t, they’ll readily provide one: “Maybe you were angry.” The question “why” always indicates that we’re looking for an excuse or reason, when really what we want to learn is what he was trying to accomplish. Stop by our facebook page for more parenting ideas and check out this post about how to help siblings get along.Sometimes we unknowingly misdirect our kids’ coping skill development by teaching them how to make excuses and blame others. That is okay- we all have our bad days and moments! The r eality is that everyone is not always going to be happy. Don’t expect everyone to always be happy.By avoiding comparing the kids, you are able to instill a self-value in each of your children. It can be so easy to fall into comparing them. Make it a point to highlight the positive as well! When you notice them playing or someone being helpful, comment on that! Some days it can feel like you are constantly focusing on the negative. I tell them, “I’ve taken the toy because it came between you and made you argue. Nothing is more important than family and if a toy makes them fight, they lose the toy. Fighting over toys means that I take the toy.This teaches the kids to respect each other. It is a plastic shoebo size and each child has their own. While we encourage sharing all around, there are special toys that can be kept in a special box. Fighting over toys can be a common struggle. Keeping regular times of connecting with each child helps us to really bond and them to feel valued. We’ve even found signs to show us that they need one-on-one time. I have noticed our oldest acts out more when he is in need of one-on-one time. Go over the expectations, act out different scenarios, and bond as a family. This is a great way to teach and train your kids. Holding regular family meetings (maybe every Friday before bed). We always want our home to be a safe zone where everyone feels loved and respected. Our rule is that in our home we will speak love and encourage each other.
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